Why Do I Have To A Book For Children Who Find Themselves Frustrated

By Laurie Leventhal-Belfer

  • Genre : Personality
  • Publisher :
  • ISBN : 978 1843108917
  • Year : 2015
  • Language: English


Why do I have to by the same author Asperger Syndrome in Young Children A Developmental Approach for Parents and Professionals Laurie Leventhal-Belfer and Cassandra Coe ISBN 978 1 84310 748 4 of related interest My Social Stories Book Edited by Carol Gray and Abbie Leigh White Illustrated by Sean McAndrew ISBN 978 1 85302 950 9 Personal Hygiene What s that Got to Do with Me Pat Crissey Illustrated by Noah Crissey ISBN 978 1 84310 796 5 Caring for Myself A Social Skills Storybook Christy Gast and Jane Krug Photographs by Kotoe Laackman ISBN 978 1 84310 872 6 hardback ISBN 978 1 84310 887 0 paperback Joey Goes to the Dentist Candace Vittorini and Sara Boyer-Quick ISBN 978 1 84310 854 2 Why do I have to A Book for Children Who Find Themselves Frustrated by Everyday Rules Laurie Leventhal-Belfer Illustrated by Luisa Montaini-Klovdahl Jessica Kingsley Publishers London and Philadelphia First published in 2008 by Jessica Kingsley Publishers 116 Pentonville Road London N1 9JB UK and 400 Market Street Suite 400 Philadelphia PA 19106 USA www jkp com Copyright Laurie Leventhal-Belfer 2008 Illustrator copyright Luisa Montaini-Klovdahl 2008 All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced in any material form including photocopying or storing it in any medium by electronic means and whether or not transiently or incidentally to some other use of this publication without the written permission of the copyright owner except in accordance with the provisions of the Copyright Designs and Patents Act 1988 or under the terms of a licence issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency Ltd Saffron House 6 10 Kirby Street London EC1N 8TS Applications for the copyright owner s written permission to reproduce any part of this publication should be addressed to the publisher Warning The doing of an unauthorised act in relation to a copyright work may result in both a civil claim for damages and criminal prosecution Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Leventhal-Belfer Laurie Why do I have to a book for children who find themselves frustrated by everyday rules Laurie Leventhal-Belfer p cm ISBN 978-1-84310-891-7 pb alk paper 1 Obedience--Juvenile literature 2 Frustration--Juvenile literature 3 School children--Conduct of life--Juvenile literature I Title BJ1459 L48 2008 179 9--dc22 2007051882 British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978 1 84310 891 7 ISBN pdf eBook 978 1 84642 826 5 Printed and bound in Great Britain by Athenaeum Press Gateshead Tyne and Wear In memory of my father Harry Leventhal A man who had the gift of transforming everyday events into magical stories Acknowledgements This book could not have been developed if it were not for the endless examples provided by the parents who participated in the Friends Program concerning the roadblocks that arose between them and their children These barriers could make daily events such as getting dressed or going to school challenging at times at other times rewarding and at other times overwhelming We owe to these families our deepest appreciation for all that they have taught us about their children Through our long-term relationships with these families we have learned how easily we can be trapped into a never-ending discussion about a child s current interest or reasons why they feel what is being asked of them is not fair We also want to thank our colleagues who took the time to read over our text and offer helpful advice Monika Perez Mary Jo Huetteman Marci Schwartz Angela Huerta Teri Wiss Rebecca Fineman Mirella Minnich and Luisa s boys Kris Lars and Nils Lastly I want to thank Howard for his patience love critical eye and for never asking me Why do I have to read Contents PREFACE FOR CHILDREN 11 13 PREFACE FOR ADULTS 1 Rules that may be Frustrating at Home 17 Why do I have to go to school on time 18 Why do I have to wear shoes and a jacket when I go outside 20 Why do I have to sit at the table to eat when I am not hungry 22 Why do I have to rest when I am not tired 24 Why do I have to go to the bathroom when I don t need to 26 Why do I have to share toys if I am still using them 28 Why do I have to turn off the computer or the TV before my game or show is over 30 Why do I have to stop talking about things that I like 32 2 Rules that may be Frustrating about Friends 35 Why do I have to play with my friend all of the time 36 Why do I have to say thank you for a present that I do not like 38 Why do I have to go to a friend s house when I would rather stay home 40 Why do I have to let other kids play a game the wrong way 42 Why do I have to apologize to other kids for hurting them if they hurt me first 44 Why do I have to listen to other kids talking about things that I think are boring 46 3 Rules that may be Frustrating about School 49 Why do I have to listen to the teacher talking about something that I already know 50 Why do I have to do things that get my hands dirty 52 Why do I have to say Hello with words 54 Why do I have to answer only the last question the teacher asked 56 Why do I have to tell my friends that I am no longer playing the game when they can see for themselves 58 Why do I have to ask my teacher if it is OK to leave the room 60 Why do I have to sit at my desk at school when I am doing my work 62 Why do I have to be quiet when I am working 64 Why do I have to explain to an adult why I got into a fight 66 Why do I have to do homework after I have been working in school all day 68 APPENDIX 1 WHAT FRUSTRATES ME AND WHAT MIGHT HELP 71 APPENDIX 2 MY GOAL CHART 77 Preface for Children This book is for you if you get frustrated with adults who expect you to follow certain rules or to do things that you think you should not have to do Sometimes these rules can make you feel confused and upset It is hoped that this book will help you understand why such rules exist and how you might be able to make things work better You may also want to know that other children and some adults find some of these rules to be very annoying as well What the adults have learned is that if they are going to be able to do the things they want to do they have to follow many different rules at home at work and with their friends 11 Preface for Adults This book is for parents and professionals working with children who have difficulty coping with the hassles of everyday life These children may at times look and act like little adults They may have no difficulty spending hours alone in their room building a city out of blocks playing a video game or telling a grandparent about their favorite baseball team Yet when their plans are interrupted they can transform into toddlers having a prize-winning tantrum At these moments these children may appear rigid demanding quirky inattentive self-absorbed oppositional or vulnerable which are behaviors that naturally can make adults question a child s capacity to cope with the demands being placed on him or her These same children may be very creative in coming up with an endless barrage of questions about the expectations that adults have of them and very detailed reasons for why these rules are not fair Often these children are not as interested in the answers as much as they are in winning more time to do a desired activity or support for their position As you will see all of our stories follow a similar pattern First they acknowledge how the child is feeling and empathize 13 WHY DO I HAVE TO with him or her rather than dismiss the child s frustrations or go directly to how he or she should behave Then the stories provide an explanation for why such a rule exists Each story ends with a positive statement affirming the benefit of a more adaptive coping style Each story is supported with concrete suggestions of more adaptive ways of coping with a specific rule along with an invitation for the child to come up with his or her own suggestions One of the biggest challenges in working with these children is getting the strategies that may work in one setting to generalize into different settings and situations This book is designed to provide a springboard for developing empathic stories attuned to children s individual strengths and needs What is important for you to remember is that children will not be able to automatically read a story discuss it and then incorporate it into their daily lives Rather it will take a great deal of work and practice before a child is able to integrate spontaneously a new coping strategy without external support For these reasons we suggest that you select a specific story that addresses a challenging time for you and your child Next we suggest that you read that story with your child for several days identifying specific coping strategies that might work for him or her If your child is the very rigid type who tends to fight change then we suggest that from the start your plan should include more than one solution and that you practice taking different approaches at different times For example on some days your child may look at a book at naptime and other days he or she may listen to music or draw Lastly it is suggested 14 PREFACE FOR ADULTS that you implement the story keeping track of the times that your child experiences success as well as those times when roadblocks get in the way It may be very helpful to keep a weekly chart of the child s progress on a daily basis It is very easy to forget the times when your strategies are working after a very difficult afternoon A behavioral chart is provided at the end of the book Appendix 2 to help keep track of your child s progress At the top of the chart the parent or child writes down the specific positive behavior that the child is trying to achieve for example being the boss of my body no hitting kicking or hurting other people myself or other objects The child receives a positive mark for each time that they are able to maintain their goal At the end of the day the parent and child review the chart and the parent delivers a small reward the child has earned For some children a chart is not necessary because a treat in the car ride to school or fewer accidents on the playground is motivation enough For others just seeing the number of stars they accumulate is a sufficient incentive and for still others a concrete reward may be required such as a chocolate chip for each checkmark or ten minutes on the computer if the child earns a certain number of checks The chart also provides helpful information about the days and times when your child experiences both success and difficulty which is information that may be used to fine-tune the child s story strategies and rewards If the issue you are working on arises primarily at school then it will be important to work in collaboration with your child s teacher in the design and application of a chart that represents the 15 WHY DO I HAVE TO different components of the child s school day The child can then bring the chart home after school for the same type of reward system Lastly remember that this process is hard for both you and your child For these reasons it is recommended that you work on only one issue at a time and make certain you celebrate the successes that both you and your child work hard to achieve 16 1 Rules that may be Frustrating at Home 17 WHY DO I HAVE TO I hate it when everyone tells me that I have to hurry up or I will be late for school Why do I have to go to school on time It can be very frustrating when adults tell you to turn off the TV in the middle of a show or stop spacing out and get ready for school You may not feel that you are spacing out when you are looking at an interesting book watching a video or building something special with your Lego What your parents are saying is that you need to get ready to go to school so that you will be there on time Every school has a set time when the children need to arrive so that they have enough time to be with their friends and learn all of the things that their teacher has to teach them If you are late for school you may not have time to play with a friend do a favorite activity or talk with your teacher Your mom and dad 18

Author Laurie Leventhal Belfer Isbn 978 1843108917 File size 1 9 MB Year 2015 Pages 81 Language English File format PDF Category Personality I m the mother of an 8 year old Aspie and this book is EXACTLY what I was looking for Why do I have to is a totally awesome book for kids who have compliance issues around rules and are always asking for an explanation of why they have to adhere Start off by reading the Preface for Children which starts out This book is for you if you get frustrat